So here we go again! It has been a while since I posted to my blog. This last year has been a storm of changes that has touched nearly every part of my life. Last year I started my journey in the Master Key Master Mind Alliance (MKMMA). They say that everything happens for a reason and that God will never give you more than you can handle…. and one more, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well the emotional strength I developed through the MKMMA fits the bill for all three. At the beginning of 2016 layoffs were announced at my job, I was blessed in the end to keep my job but I got transferred to a different role. The same week that my fate at work was being decided my mom died. Two days later my sister was admitted to ICU and died the same week. Just 8 days after my mom. My sister has two little girls and extenuating circumstances led to my dad taking them in. The hardest thing I have ever been through is telling those girls their mom died. As if two funerals in two weeks and a new job were not enough my closest cousin had a liver transplant and I was not even able to be there for him. At about the same time my arm became paralyzed for three weeks requiring physical therapy and a few weeks off work with a new job. My best friend and her family were displaced due to a wildfire and their dog (who is siblings with my dogs) had to be put down because of cancer. As I sit here right now writing this my dad is in the emergency room and yesterday I sprained my ankle. All of this and I could go on with much more. It seems as if change is running the show this year. Through all this I have not only keep my my sanity but I am excited for the future. I feel closer to God and more clear about my purpose. I know that without my experience in this program these challenges would have been perceived very differently. I felt so strongly about this program that in the midst of these storms I signed up, along with my husband, to become a guide. If more people had exposure to the concepts in this program the world would be a better place. My mission is to help others get these concepts and to more fully integrate them into my life. I have two boys, 4 and 7, and this year I plan to have them do a modified version of this program as I feel deeply that they will benefit from many of the things I learned last year; and besides they will be watching Daddy and I do them anyways. No storm can last forever so I am content to watch and wait and see what life has in store.
Watching the “I AM” movie this week really made me think. It has been a long time since something really made me assess my priorities the way that movie did. I have always wanted to be rich and dreamed of having the good life, this movie really makes you stop and re-assess that priority in your life. Do I really NEED to be rich? I have never been wealthy but I have always had what I need in life. While I still want out of the modern day slavery of the daily grind and would like to own my own life and have nice things I think I have a new perspective. I had a few flashes previous to watching this movie that made me realize that I am already wealthy in many ways and that my life is already pretty darn perfect. All of my needs are met, I enjoy the relative comfort and luxuries of living in modern society and my children, my husband and myself are all healthy. While I do have desires of living the good life, taking vacations and spending more time with my kids, I honestly do not have any real problems in my life. These thoughts and feeling grateful and appreciative of my situation and all I have has given me a peace that I have not had since I was a small child. I realize that everything I need is already here. Watching the “I AM” movie shifted something deeper though. For the first time I questioned how much is enough. In our society it is implied that we should try to get as much as we can. We are shown from a very young age that we should want stuff and more stuff and more stuff. As I progress in this MKMMA class I realize that not only do I already have a ton of stuff, I have more that I actually need. In fact I do not fully appreciate or fully utilize the stuff I have. I am starting to really understand that there is a higher cost to owning stuff than just the purchase price. When I look around my home I have begun to realize that I already am wealthy. While this is not the version of wealthy I had in my head when I started this course it doesn’t make much difference. All this time I did not even realize how fortunate I am. As I look around at my peers who live in nice homes and drive nice cars I am caught off guard by how unhappy and dissatisfied people are. The fact is most of us in this situation have no real problems. Having no real problems then becomes a point of dissatisfaction, the mind needs problems to solve. So, having no real problems we invent them to stimulate our minds. We imagine for ourselves problems that do not even exist and exaggerate the small problems we do have. I feel like I have found the secret to happiness… a secret that is buried deep in plain sight… I just have to appreciate what I already have and even appreciate the problems and stress in my life. When I realize this I know that while I would enjoy having more I could be just as happy with even less than I have now. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at really do change.
So I have missed a few weeks of blogging. I started so many times trying to get caught up and for one reason or another I could not do it. I either did not know what to say, had technical difficulties or just sat looking at the blank page not knowing what to write. I have been in kind of a funk for the past several weeks. While I have been doing my reading and stayed positive I have been in a bit of a shock from many angles and unable to do much more than keep it together and stay in the moment. I have worked for a large oil company for the past ten years and just after my last post I received an email saying they were laying off a large number of people. Some of my co-workers have already been let go, and the rest of us have been put on notice. As a significant breadwinner for my family I this has been a bit of a shock to my system. I did not real I had so much of my identity and self worth wrapped up in my career. I generally like my job and while I have always had a dream of being my own boss with a business that gave me more time with my kids, I had envisioned a smooth transition of earning enough money to be able to retire from my job early. Now we are facing the possibility of losing an income. While this all was going on my family also got news of an issue facing my young son that required significant time, attention and put everything else on the back burner. With all this going on and going out of town for Christmas I got behind and then further behind and then when I look at getting ‘caught up’ after a 9-10 hour work day followed by taking care of my tow boys and tossing and turning I just did not have the motivation. In addition the things that have been going on during the weeks I missed my blog were not things I really wanted to write about as they were emotionally rough and personal. I found myself falling farther behind with the weekly assignments and just doing what I could. Finally today I just told myself I am going to just post something for this week rather than trying to catch up, since I have no idea what to say for those weeks. In any case I am re-commiting to doing my blog.
Besides the emotional turmoil I do want to say that this course has been a life line during these difficult times. While I am still facing a layoff and not sure if I will have a job in a few months I feel overwhelmingly positive and grateful. I know the above paragraph paints a pretty gloomy picture but through this all I have maintiained a fairly decent outlook. While I had to take care of things and put in extra work at my job I feel optimistic. I feel a sense of peace that even if I end up unemployed I will move forward with confidence knowing that I did my best. I have also done a lot of soul searching and found that if that does happen I will have a great opportunity to point my life in the direction I would like it to go in a big way. It will give me an opportunity to choose a direction consciously and with purpose. If I keep my job this has given me a new awareness of other career options that are available to me that I had never considered before. While I have empathy for my co-workers who seem stressed and confused it has shook things up and even brought a lot of us closer together. I have gotten to know the people I work with better because of this situation, nothing pulls people together like a crisis. I have also been given the gift of being able to help may of my co-workers in a small way by being a positive light and providing a calming perspective.
I can feel the addiction to the negativity. I can manage to resist it for as much as a day by diverting my thoughts and doing affirmations but I cannot seem to keep the door shut. When co workers complain and gossip about things I find frustrating I literally have to bit my tongue and it is so tempting to chime in. When the San Bernardino shooting happened the temptation to look at articles was a little to overwhelming and I gave in and read about it inevitably leading to thoughts of fear, anger, sadness. When the Paris attacks happened a few weeks ago I was able to mostly block it out and focus on being happy and positive, but San Bernardino is a lot closer to home as it is only about a hundred miles away. Finally I convinced myself to stop looking at the articles and focus on something constructive that I have control over. The strange thing is that with only an hour or so of letting the fear and negativity in I felt that peptide addiction getting its fix and the cravings intensified. I have never thought of negativity as an addiction but I can see clearly now that it is as addicting as sugar. It is almost an irresistible urge to yuck it up with the complainers and ponder the scary and upsetting things in life. Even the knowledge that it is damaging to my personal goals and peace of mind doesn’t make it much easier to resist the temptation. It seems like a bow string being pulled back and if I do not get my fix need to indulge is that much greater at the next opportunity. I am honestly shocked that after all the hard work I have done to be more positive in my life over the past 20 years that I still have such a long way to go.. even more shocking is that it is this difficult for me. I can hear Mark and Davene warning us that we will be surprised by how negative we are even though we may think we are positive.
Ok I admit it, this week I slipped.. a lot. I have some really good reasons but the end result was that I was just not as dedicated as I have been in the weeks before and where I would like to be with this. As I look back at recent weeks it feels like the “mysterious source which never sleeps” is conspiring to give me reasons to fail at this rather than ways to succeed. I know part of it is my old blue print and part of it is just my over busy life.
Personal Life: My mom was in ICU this week and had surgery. She had a blood clot behind her knee and after many different treatments and a slew of doctors the decision was made to amputate her leg above the knee. This had a profound impact on me and I was down at the hospital several days this week. I am so heartbroken to see her go through that kind of pain. Her foot had died towards the end and turned black and she was crying a lot even under heavy meds. She was also very scared and did not want to loose her leg. In addition to the pain and fear the hospital kept postponing the surgery after withholding food and liquid for hours at a time in preparation for the surgery. It is one of the hardest things I have had to watch so far in my life. While going through this I was able to use some of my calm and positive energy to help comfort her. I talked to her about good times and had a discussion with her about her being more than just her body. In times like this there is not a lot you can do other than just pray for the best outcome. On a positive note they finally did do the surgery and it was successful in amputating her leg, relieving the pain and she made it through. Also my kids are also both better from strep throat this week and are once again happy and healthy. My dental work is also much better now and the infection seems to be clearing up rapidly.
Work: It is the end of the year at work, the pressure has been turned up a notch since this is review time. Everyone is scrambling to finish projects and make a good impression. I have been assigned to two new projects this week also, one for testing software and another to teach a class, all this on top of my regular work and completing my yearly performance review which is basically like a 10 page essay about what I have done for the year and the impact it has made. This is always a bit stressful, I will be very happy when it is all submitted and over with next week. My mom’s pending surgery had me missing a few hours here and there at work which has added to the tight timeline.
Now that I have set the context of my life… on to discussing MKMMA.
The readings: This week I was less than faithful to the readings. I missed a few nightly reads which I have been very consistent about so far. I really like the law of compensation even though it can be a bit confusing with some of the old style wording. I think I have a pretty good grasp on it though. I also did not listen to the Master Key chapter daily like I had in the past weeks.
The sit: I only managed two sits this week. I was able to imagine having a conversation with my children and seeing their eyes light up. My imagination is getting stronger, I can feel it. I will make more time for this exercise as I can see some real benefit in real life. Already I notice that when I am trying to picture something in my mind it is much more clear. When I am trying to visualize what something would look like after it is finished or moved the image is clearer than it ever has been before. I am impressed with how good my own imagination is getting and in such a short time frame.
DMP: I still do not have a functional, approved DMP. I was not able to work on it much this week. I will try more next week.
Move Poster: Still have not completed this, I have my poster with a few images but have not associated the symbols with it.
The symbols: I have not got these in place yet.
The recording: Haven’t even had time to consider it and until I get a functional DMP I am not sure how to proceed.
Overall I am proud of myself for hanging in there and the fact that I keep returning to the readings. Even though I am missing the mark of excellence ,that I so love to reach for, I am still getting a lot out of this program and I know that if I keep pushing forward some of these roadblocks that circumstances and my old blue print are manifesting in my life, like the three year old who just spilled his drink on me while I was typing this…will clear up and make way for change.
This has been an interesting week. So I have to admit I have been slacking on my sits, my reading has suffered a bit and I am trying to find time to print out and get started on my movie poster.
The Sit – When I do the sitting after I have missed a day the weird pain returns that used to accompany my first few sits. I think it may be restless energy. I think I need exercise to get that energy out but I get so busy that I fail to plan time for exercise. When I meditate for more than 2-3 days without skipping I notice that the pain is not there and I am able to focus without the need to get up or stretch. Who would have thought it is so difficult to just sit, I thought I wanted time to “just do nothing”, turns out when I take it I feel like I just want to get up and do something. The few times this week I was able to do the sit I used a picture of my two little boys sitting out in the grass at a park. I love my kids so keeping this image and the memory of taking it in my mind is a little easier as I love the image. So I sit and I think of this image and I have to admit Hannel is right, I cannot focus, even on something I love so much, for just ten mintes. As Mark mentons in his post I cannot even do it for more than 6 seconds. I can see the image clearly and I can recreate it in my mind. I see their expressions, their hair, their clothing, the way their hands and body are positioned and even the background scenery. Unfortunately I can only hold the crystal clear image for maybe 4-6 seconds and then it disappears. I can bring it back with intense concentration but again it fades to black. The moment the image disappears my mind seems to be tempted to wander. It is hard to believe and something I have never given much thought about. How long can I focus on something? I mean I would think that if I really really really really wanted or loved something that I could give it my attention and focus on it. And the picture I chose was of my babies. These are the miracles my husband and I have created, I have bent my whole life around their needs and yet I cannot hold the image for more than a few seconds… This is interesting because I always thought I had control of my mind and these tests are making me realize how little control I actually have but that I do indeed have some control… can this power be harnessed? An interesting journey within indeed.
Daily Reading – As for my daily ready I have been fairly consistent. I am loving the new reading and I can see that my kids like the new reading also. I have my kids say ” I will greet this day with love in my heart” as we listen to it on the way to school and daycare in the morning. I have been working to feel more love in my heart, especially when I am rushed for time. I notice that sometimes I could be kinder when I ask my kids to do things. I have been working to change that.
Shapes – I have started seeing the shapes everywhere. Someone on the call last week mentioned seeing the tops of trees as green triangles and I had been seeing that as well. I am seeing them in road signs, in the trees, in building shapes and sidewalk lines. Even when I see the shape separated from its color my mind makes the connection. This is powerful stuff. I am working on matching up the shapes and colors with my DMP goals and I can see how this is going to get very powerful very quickly.
No Opinions – No opinions week last week was not an easy task. It definitely made me notice that I have a lot of opinions and so do other people. One of the hardest parts of this are the old habitual pattern loops that we have set up for ourselves when it comes to other people. We have many people in our lives where we use opinion and even judgment of others as a sort of social glue to make or keep friendships. When you start to break those patterns it feels awkward. You are left wondering what to talk to people about and how to make small talk with co-workers. Turning the conversation around is pretty effective, they are generally happy to talk about what is on their mind, but they also are used to hearing your opinion on things. When you do not offer one it can lead to some awkward pauses in conversation as you try to think of something to keep it going with their events. A few lines I learned: “by the way I have been thinking about what you said the other day, how did it turn out with…” or I am curious, what do you think about ….”. These little redirectors helped. I found though that when I did not give my oppinon I felt left out, and would end up having the conversation with myself, and the assignment said no opinions, even in your head.. that is tough. It almost feels like trimming a tree and I imagine that even though cutting a branch is for the overall management of the growth of the tree it still hurts the tree a little to cut the branch. This was a useful exercise, even though I did not do extremely well with it, it made me much more aware of where I give opinions. If our thoughts are energy then words are energy as well and therefore when I am talking and thinking I am providing the energy that will create the things and situations in my life. I am therefore creating my own world from these opinions I have been giving without a second thought. When you think about it opinions are rarely our own, we usually get them from other people. Parents, friends, community, media, books, even the objects are all forces that influence and help create opinions. If I inherited these opinions do I really want to use them and are they helpful or harmful to what I am trying to accomplish? Would I choose to feel this way if I looked at it objectively? These are good things to think about.
Home Life – My kids got sick again this week, strep throat this time which required a visit to the doctor and 10 days of medication. My older son got sick on Wednesday and missed a few days of school. He is feeling better now but still has a sore throat. My youngest had a fever last night still but he seems to be back up and running around today and feels cool to the touch. As for me I have not been getting as much sleep as I would like but my tooth is feeling a little better after the root canal earlier in the week. Last week I had two teeth prepared for crowns and one of them got drilled too close to the nerve and I was in pretty bad pain for a few days. It is feeling much better now though and other than the pain from the root canal it should be healed up in a few days.
Abundant Harvest – We signed up to buy a weekly farm-to table box of food. When I went to pick up my weekly delivery of food this week they had extra broccoli and gave us a big bag of it. When I came home and unpacked the food I truly felt rich. We had a large harvest of fresh organic produce all over our counter top: lettuce, potatoes, tomatoes, squash, basil, pears, apples and much more. With the extra broccoli we had so much that we ended up giving both our neighbors on both sides some and still had so much left over that we had to freeze some. Talk about overflowing abundance. We signed up with this service after joining MKMMA and one of the things we both noticed on our DMP was the desire for fresh organic food. While true health is not listed for either of our ppn’s it might as well be as both of us feel strongly that we want to eat healthy and raise our kids to eat healthy.
Business – I have been doing a lot of soul searching about my business ideas and what I want to do outside of a job to create money. My husband and I have been chasing network marketing for several years, off and on, separately and as a couple, probably more than 20 years. Considering we are still in our 30’s this is most of our lives. While we both still want to do something there seems to be setbacks or something outside of our control in every situation. Mostly thought it seems that it is a combination of not knowing how and not know exactly what to do. Mark’s go90grow is amazing and has given me more success than I have ever seen, but still it is a difficult business and it seems that it takes super human will power to both get it up and going train someone else to do the same. While I will likely do network marketing as part of my income at some point, for now I have another idea that I really want to peruse. I have always wanted to write children’s stories and just stories in general. I have always gotten ideas about stories but never took the time to do anything with them. While I have little experience I already know that I am good at it. Words from the daily readings seem to keep repeating to me about hiding my similarities and displaying my differences. I started writing down my ideas over the past few weeks and it is like trying to take a drink from a water hose. The ideas are abundant and over flowing. I started to really focus in and get specific with one of my ideas and as I focused it came into focus more and more. I now have a whole plan and have been putting little pieces of it into action. I can actually see something taking shape and it is very exciting.
So this last week was quite challenging. I am posting late for last week as I was not able to do so last week. Every year our family takes a trip up to a small mountain community for Halloween. The place we go has about 80 cabins in the Sequoia national Forrest. Everyone decorates their cabin and we do fun activities like pumpkin carving, costume contests and of course trick-or-treating. We always have a great time and my little ones love it. So back to the challenges of the week… one of them just walked in as I am typing this blog.I woke up at 2 AM and figured I would write my blog post since i could not sleep and mt tooth hurts, more on that later, as i am just getting started my 3 year old walks in and is soaked in pee. i of course had to stop and clean him up and settle him back down but here it is almost 3 AM and i have written very little and have to type with one hand with my laptop precariously balanced on my lap while i rub a small tummy. This has to be part of my old blue print. When I am not at work I am constantly tending to my little ones and it is like rowing up stream or walking in peanut butter to do anything other than care for them during my off time.
Ok… Lets try this again. It is now Wednesday at 10PM PST. I was unable to complete the blog that I was working on above as my son woke up. It is curious that my children seem to need my attention just as I begin to work on something like this, even when they are fast asleep. I have been pondering that and the mysterious source that never sleeps (much like small children). In any case I must be pulling these distractions towards myself with my strong belief that I am overwhelmed and do not have time to do anything for myself. I guess they say that admitting you have a problem is half the battle.. but figuring out how to retrain yourself is the more challenging part! So I turn this problem over to god, the univers, my higher self, Buda, Jesus, Zeus or any other deity, magic power, spell or Geni that is able and willing and affirm here and now that I DO have time to complete blogs, write and re-write DMP’s, do my reading, meditation and still find time to cuddle my children, fix dinner, clean house, brush my teeth and work 40+ hours per week (crossing my fingers and wishing the universe the best of luck in figuring that all out!) oh and universe, since I have you on the line, I would also like time to sleep if you can fit it in! 🙂
Ok in all seriousness, last week was pretty crazy. It was Halloween week and holidays are always the busiest times of the year for us moms. In addition to our normal work load we are also expected coordinate holiday activities. Needless to say the time vampires were sucking me dry. Every time I turned around there were things to do until it seemed impossible to complete all the tasks needed. Out of necessity some things had to be shuffled around and unfortunately the MKMMA course got its share of cuts. I had been keeping up with my assignments but now it is mid week 6 and I am still playing catch up. In addition to the time constraints it seemed that my mood darkened a bit last week. My inner monster came out and I found it increasingly difficult to maintain my normal cheerful disposition and found myself feeling quite glum and even a bit depressed. I did the readings and meditation but I did not feel the same passion and it was not quite as uplifting. I even found myself starting to feel that this was all useless or that since I was falling behind maybe I should just quit, after all I already had enough going on without an added workload. I hung in there though and by the end of the week I felt my spirits begin to lift. I think one part of my inner mood shift was due to physical pain. I went to the dentist on Monday and had two teeth prepared for crowns. When I got back home and the numbing wore off I felt immediate pain that was more than just discomfort. My whole jaw ached and I knew it was a nerve and would likely require a root canal. Still with several crucial projects going on at work for the end of the year and my upcoming family trip to the mountains for the holiday I did not have time to go back to the dentist. So I was left with dealing with the pain and self medicating with Advil over the long weekend. I reflected on the statements of pain in the first scroll and vaguely wondered if my constant repeating of comparing pain to failure had manifested this pain as a way to align with my failures of my immediate past in business. I noticed that when I felt more moody or upset the pain seemed to get worse and was more acute. I meditated on the pain and practiced sending love and compassion to myself and soon after the pain would subside considerably. It really makes me wonder, as humans, how much control we really have over the pain in our body through the thoughts and associations we have. In any case I had a root canal done today and even though I am sore and on medication I am feeling much better. While I was up in the mountains I had some inspiration about how to really clarify my DMP into more immediate steps and goals. I began writing from this moment a path forward and created some very practical SMART goals for myself towards my business. With my new goals and new inspiration I am back in the groove and getting things done!